It is always such a great feeling to leave the hospital. Not only does it mean a return to the comforts of home, but it means that Carter is healing. What I didn't expect was the overwhelming feeling of sadness I felt as we checked into the hotel. I couldn't help but think back to Carter's last surgery. We were welcomed home by a house full of family and a meal from the Brindleys, our neighbors. They brought this terrific crock pot chicken served over rice, homemade rolls and pumpkin cookies. Is it funny or pathetic that I can remember a meal from two years ago? The support, comfort and love that I felt that day are the reasons why I can remember it so well. I've been thinking back on some of my memories (hey, I've had a lot of time to think). The memories that are strongest in my mind are tied to an emotion that I can still feel today- good or bad. The kind acts of service shown to our family are fresh in my memory and they are getting me through this rocky time. So while I may have felt sadness, it is the knowledge that I have support back home that keeps me going. I am relying on those memories and happy feelings- so thanks!
Cookie basket from the Malones. The first thing that Carter would eat!
Today I've missed Jason and the kids more than I can put into words. I long for their hugs (even if I have to steal my hugs from Colby while he sleeps) and our simple everyday interactions. I want to read to my kids and tuck them into bed. I want to watch a show with Jason after the kids are asleep. I just miss being home. Carter is missing his Dad, especially on days like today when I am grumpy. I am trying so hard because I know that Carter is in a lot of pain and I don't want him to feel my frustration. I am just tired and there isn't much relief. Carter has to have help doing everything, even moving his leg. Just getting him comfortable in bed is a huge challenge. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for Carter but sometimes I just get cranky, not at him but the situation. All I have to say is, "Bless the person who created Valium!" Carter has pain from the incisions, the bones that were broken and screwed back together, and he has muscle spasms. The latter are quite painful and the Valium helps to relax his muscles and then he is finally able to sleep.
I am also grumpy, no furious at our insurance companies. We have quite a fight on our hands! They had the nerve to tell us that we have not exhausted all of our options in Utah. I would like the person who decided that to go through everything Carter has been through. We absolutely exhausted all of our options. Do they think this is easy, just something we decided might be fun? We are sacrificing everything to get Carter the treatment he needs. Obviously if there was a possibility of a positive outcome we would have stayed in Utah. It is just so frustrating! We are his parents and we want what is best for him and we will fight for it. Why shouldn't our child get the care he needs because of where we live. Well, that was a rant, wasn't it?
If I may just talk about one more thing that has been hard today... Physical Therapy. Oh, goodness we are in for a long two weeks of daily physical therapy. Carter's pain is making therapy difficult. Also, they want him to wear this body brace but he experiences overwhelming pain when it is on. I should mention that he is supposed to wear the brace all the time- except for when he is sleeping. We are up to about five minutes. The problem is that Carter has external rotation of his leg. I took a picture so you could see what that is. Not only does he have the surgery pain, but he has pain because the brace is holding his leg in the position it should be in. Carter really needed to have specialized physical therapy sooner to address these issues (but we didn't exhaust all of our options). So, we have our work cut out for us. I need to enforce wearing the brace and doing the exercises, but I hate to see him hurt. It is just like everything else in life, you have to do the work and go through the pain to make progress. If anyone can do it, Carter can!
See how Carter's knee is turned out? His whole leg turns out and he can't make it go straight (point upward). Physical Therapy here we come!