I'm blogging in the waiting room while Carter is having his first physical therapy session, Jason is accompanying him. I was sitting here when our Physical Therapist from last summer noticed me and came over and asked how I was doing. I tried to say, "Fine" or "Good" but found myself uttering, "This is too hard and I can't bear to see Carter in so much pain..blah..blah!" You get the point. Then I started crying and everyone was looking at me, it was a proud moment. There were other parents, each waiting for their own brave kiddo, who jumped in to comfort me. I listened, all of them with a personal, painful tale of what their child has endured. I told them I was angry, really angry and it surprised me. I was reassured that my feelings were normal (that was kind, don't you think) and common. My logical side, yes I have one, knows that they are right, but my emotional side is still struggling. I can't put into words how hard it is to see my baby with nine metal pins screwed into his leg, six into his femur and three into his tibia. Not only that, every single day we have to clean every one of those pins while he winces in pain and cries for it to be over. He also has open wounds on his hip where the four screws were removed. It is difficult for him to find a position that is comfortable and movement is excruciating as the pins tug at his tender skin and incisions. Today he told me, "You just don't know how bad the pain is." He is right, I don't know and I wish, oh I wish, that he didn't know!
We are home now and there is a terrible thunderstorm this evening. The palm trees are swaying and the waves are swelling as the lightening crashes, it is actually quite beautiful from our covered balcony. The view reminds me how fortunate we are to have made it this far. Not too many months ago my greatest wish was to get Carter the treatment he needed. There was no shortage of miracles that made this possible, no lack of faith from family and friends, no obstacle too big that we weren't willing to tackle. I was just sitting with Carter, rubbing his foot to relieve a bit of the pain, and I asked him if the surgery was worth it. He didn't waiver, he didn't hesitate before he answered, "Right now I'm hurting, but it will be worth it in the end." What a sweet reminder from my ever vigilant boy. And so I will close by repeating his words, that so eloquently sum up how I'm feeling.. Right now my heart is hurting, but it is worth it!
Carter was quite pleased with the HUGE gift basket of junk food that the Malones had delivered!