Thursday, July 29, 2010

Movie, Ice Cream, Rant, Love (What?)

Caitlin & Mom: Official Beach Bums, living in our swim suits and never doing out hair!

I can't sleep. Jason and Colby left yesterday evening, a somber occasion for our family. Fortunately, it was a beautiful Florida day prior to their departure so we were able to spend time together on the beach and in the pool. Carter is having a hard time, too, he didn't fall asleep until after midnight. He played G.I. Joes, I tried to watch a movie. Have you seen "Love Happens" with Jennifer Aniston and a guy whose name I can't remember? I couldn't get into it. I can't decide if it was a bad show or if it was my mood. Maybe I should watch the end before I cast my final vote. I was distracted by an overwhelming desire for ice cream. I tried to focus on Aniston's body and convince myself that I'd never acquire such a body if I yielded to the temptation. It didn't work. My preventative efforts (brushing my teeth) were in vain, too. I gave in, but decided to have just a few bites of cookie dough chunks out of the carton rather than a whole bowl. My intentions were noble, but half a carton later I decided it was a ill laid plan. Why do you suppose ice cream tastes better when eaten with a fork straight out of the container? Try it, you'll see. Anyway, I blamed the not so engaging film for my lack of interest and wandering thoughts and rumbling tummy. But really I just missed Jason.
I lack the ability to share sappy feelings (do I need therapy?), but this is an attempt to express my emotional state. I'll try to leave ice cream out of it. It's hard to pen the stress that our family is experiencing and the strain it has placed on our relationships. If you've been reading my posts, you can figure it out so I won't go there, but I'll give you a funny little example-admittedly NOT funny at the time. Several weeks ago when times were really tough and I was all alone, I called Jason and I was ranting and raving- I know, hard to imagine (I wish). During my venting session he expressed frustration that I was upset with him when this wasn't his fault. A valid point, I concede, but there is rarely any logical thought behind a rant. So I said, "You know what, this just might be your cross to bear. I mean, here I am alone with these kids and shouldering everything Carter is going through by myself. That's my cross! So excuse me if I call and dump on you, but that is just your cross to bear during this whole thing!" Now, I only share this little ditty to illustrate the effect (or is it affect) of stress: incoherence.
I have a point here, amidst the ice cream chatter and stories about ranting. My point is, that we've been through a lot and it's been really hard. But as Jason left yesterday, I realized that I love him now more than ever and there isn't anyone I rather have by my side during such times. It's not perfect, in fact, it's pretty far from that and I'm okay admitting that -see, not good at sappy- but love is more powerful than imperfection. As a person with a few (hundred) flaws, I find that very reassuring! It's even better than cookie dough ice cream straight out of the carton.


B&L Belnap said...

I cried Jamie and you say you're not good at sappy.......Jason is a really great guy!

Cristina said...

I got a bit teary too! Natalie said she saw Colby outside last night, but I thought she was crazy. Glad they made it home ok, but sorry you have to be apart again.

P.S. The beach bum life looks good on you, you all look so cute and tan!!!

Ty and Juju Brown said...

You do express emotion really good. You need to stop saying you don't. You always very eloquently express what's going on with your and your kids. I wish we could come visit while your down there. It looks like you've made so many friends. Love you guys!